SMotD - When the Moon Hits Your Eye

Do you ever get that short circuit feeling where you simply freeze because you know you can’t escape, but you simply cannot accept the horrible thing you just did, and you try to move on like nothing happened? This happened to me in 2002 and stays with me to this day.  Picture a boisterous NAT, in his environment, eatingpizza and talking loudly about his special interest and let your mind wander… :)

I was a graduate student, and had spent the previous six months working with several other students to organize a conference.  We had secured a high quality speaker, and scheduled a variety of interesting presentations, chiefly by other graduate students, about the intersection of history and theory.  We had graduate students from universities throughout the US, and even as far as China, Sweden.  I had spent months ensuring that little details were taken care of, that our renowned speaker was happy, and that everyone involved had everything they needed.  It was a lot of social work.  For the most part, things went swimmingly.  The keynote address had gone well, the panels were sound, and few problems emerged.  On the evening of the second day, we had a catered dinner in the graduate student pub, a private party for conference attendees.  While I took to my hosting duties, I was TIRED and let most of my guard down.

As I was gobbling with the aforementioned pizza I was chatting with two advanced grad students from Northwestern. 

A school to which I applied for graduate study.  To which I was not accepted.

I always felt inadequate around grad students I met from the school as a result.

Thus, I was being extra enthusiastic, trying to make my position fairly strong, spouting off who knows what, when a GIANT piece of chewed pepperoni rockets out of my mouth like an ICBM, exploding violently on the right cheekbone of the female grad student just below her eye. 

—BRAIN SHORT CIRCUITS—

The other student noticed, and the victim suppressed clear disgust and anger as shecalmly picked the bit of spittle and food off her cheek.  I couldn’t say anything. I looked away, looked back, simply kept talking with my inane stream.  I was so embarrassed, my brain WOULD NOT LET ME apologize. 

I was useless in the conversation after that.  I kept on trying, but I never once apologized.  I felt terrible about it all night.

I even asked my wife innocently if one should apologize in that situation and she said, “Oh, absolutely!”

Feelings: inadequacy, loss of control, shame, guilt

What I learned:

1) Chew with your mouth closed and don’t talk when chewing!! (How many times have we all heard that?!?)

2) If you make a mistake, acknowledge, don’t let fear get in the way.  Let the other person know that you can understand that something you did would upset them, even if you don’t know why.

3) If you feel bad about something you did, discuss it with the person, explain how your brain shuts itself down out of shame, and apologize for your actions and the lack of an immediate apology.