For so many years, I have hated birthdays. I didn’t like being the center of attention, I thought the entire preoccupation with gifts, forced giving, the notion that simply having been born on a calendar day equated to people being obligated to buy things for you. This was made even worse by the fact that unless I was paying very close attention to the other person on a consistent basis, I had no idea what to get the birthday boy or girl. I might get the person what I wanted, but I had lots of special interests that not everyone shared. It’s even worse receiving, because there are all these expectations that I would smile and be grateful and a host of other expressions that I don’t feel like expressing. I felt awkward even having these people me, all looking at me, let alone giving me things, on top of an expectation that I love what they gave.
But it wasn’t always this way.
I remember now when my dislike of birthdays transitioned from mild annoyance and discomfort to outright hostility, my 12th birthday celebration.
In my day, roller skating was very big, and I spent just about every Saturday morning from the time I was 7 until I was 12 or so at the skating rink. I had my 12thbirthday at the rink. My circle of friends included several people who were in the “popular” circle, largely because I had somehow been elected treasurer of our grade school’s student government the previous year. I had given pretty explicit gift instructions, as I was apparently want to do back then. My musical palette has matured quite a bit since these days, but I can admit here that I asked for Bon Jovi’s album “Bad Medicine” and the single of “When the Children Cry” by White Lion. There were two tape cassette-sized gifts. I opened the first to find the entire cassette album for White Lion’s “Pride.” I dutifully said thank you, then I opened the second gift, this one from Sonia, with whom I was secretly infatuated. This was a single of Bon Jovi’s ‘Bad Medicine’, the song from the album of the same name.
I was floored. These were my friends, and the girl that was supposed to know everything about me (despite the fact that I had never had anything approaching a deep conversation with her in the months we had been in the same group of friends). Without thinking, I blurted out, “But I wanted the album ‘Bad Medicine’ and the single ‘When the Children Cry’!!!”
I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the look on Sonia’s face is seared in my brain. It conveyed disappointment and annoyance, and she was almost dismissive in the way she lectured me about “accepting the gifts you get.”
I didn’t spend much time with Sonia after that, as I was too ashamed to say anything to her.
Feelings associated with the event: shame, surprise, self-doubt
What I learned:
1) Whenever anyone does something for you, do not tell them how they did it incorrectly
2) Always provide some sort of reassuring phrase when accepting a gift. Something as basic as, “Thank you, that was very considerate.”
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